Friday, March 19, 2010

March Madness!

Despite what you may believe, March Madness is not about Early Bird specials at Kohl’s or no interest financing from Ashley Furniture. I mean, it is about that, but not entirely. It’s also that time of year when males of all ages (and some enterprising females) around our great nation can assess their IQs by the gold standard of testing that is the College Basketball Playoff Bracket. There are office pools, online pools, family wagers of who will be responsible for all springtime automobile washing. The tournament is also known as the Big Dance, only it turns out Cinderella isn’t an understated, overworked beauty with crafty mice for friends, and instead is a bunch of corn-fed boys from a little known school in Kentucky or somewhere.

But, if you were to ask my mom about March Madness, she would tell you it’s when Jesse James, husband of Sandra Bullock, was reported to be cheating on the Oscar winner. I, of course, wasn’t aware of this national crisis until my mother showed up last night with a grieved look on her face and said, “Did you hear about Sandra Bullock?” And I thought, Oh no, Sandra Bullock died! That’s horrible! After pausing far too long, while I considered the tragic ways she had died and assured myself that certainly America’s sweetheart wasn’t involved in drugs, Mom says, “Jesse’s been cheating on her.” I suppose I looked relieved, because then Mom added, “Don’t you think that’s awful!” I had to confess that, “I thought you were gonna say she died, so I’m just glad she’s got her health.”

At this juncture, I have to point out the ridiculousness of discussing celebrities as if they are second cousins or neighbors who live down the block. But it’s not only my mother who is guilty. And, yes, I can admit my own periodic involvement in this misdemeanor. I can’t even begin to tell you how many conversations I overheard about our dear friends Jon and Kate Gosselin. But, the point is, I’m not sure a guy like Jesse James being an adulterer is newsworthy. If we have khaki pant, polo shirt wearing men like Tiger Woods creepin’, then what are the standards for biker guys who are divorced from adult film stars? My mom goes on to say, “How could he do that? Did you hear how she talked about him in her acceptance speeches during the awards season?” Because in Hollywood, nothing is more binding than heartfelt words during an acceptance speech? What about marriage vows? Don’t those count for something?

At the end of the news hour, after the upsets (noun not emotion) in the Big Dance have been announced and the list of the unfaithful has been rehashed, you might just hear something about the medical reform bill that is slated to be voted on this Sunday. Also, known as the “compromise” health care plan. Because when you’re talking about 940 BILLION dollars, it’s always a compromise!

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