Wanna
know why you shouldn’t fast forward through all the boring countries during the
opening ceremony of the Olympics?
Because someday you may need to flee the country and hide-out where the
C.I.A. would never even think to look
for you. If that scenario is not a
remote possibility in your wildest imagination, then I’m sorry your life is so
boring.
Anyway,
my list of remote locations to start a new life now includes the
following: Benin, Burkina Faso, Eritrea
(I think one of my kids had that when they were little; it’s a stomach virus),
Lesotho, Mauritania, Saint Kitts and Nevis (they might think to look for me on
Kitts, but never Nevis), Sao Tome and Principe, Timor-Leste, Tuvalu, and
Vanuatu (I hope they speak French there because I remember four words from high
school).
I
am certain that these countries would welcome me with open arms, because,
assuming I bring my family with me, I would be doubling their population. And I don’t think they get a lot of tourists
to those places since none of us had even heard of them before they decided to
send two people to the Olympics, one to compete in Judo – which seems to be a
fairly easy sport to qualify for, and the other national representative is a
mystery, competing in something that’s not televised on any of NBC’s forty
channels.
If
I flee to one of these countries, I could probably even become President or
Queen or Prime Minister or Chief or whatever they have. How much competition could there possibly be? Definitely no one else that can make glitter
posters like me. But, I probably shouldn’t
become a world leader while I’m laying low and letting the heat die down. It’s pretty easy to slip by the C.I.A. in my
experience, but having my face show up on the money of my new home country
would be pushing my luck.
Speaking
of glitter posters, I think the opening ceremony needed more of those and less
creepy children’s hospital scenes.
Clearly, I had no idea what a big deal the National Health Service is
across the pond. Maybe that part of the
show was to brag about their successful nationalized health care system, to
snub their noses at us a bit even, but honestly, if nationalized health care
means a bunch of hyperactive kids jumping up and down on their beds all night
long and doctors and nurses with dance degrees rather than medical ones, I’ll
pass. I definitely don’t want Voldemort
managing my prescriptions.
The
rest of the opening ceremony was pretty good. Except for those face dresses. Did you see those? I mean, I got a pretty good look at some of the volunteers during the opening theatrics and most of them did not have faces worth recreating and preserving in tunic form.
The British have definitely contributed musically over the last fifty
years. Which is more than I can say for
the people of Timor-Leste.
Unfortunately, the British are still trying to pass Paul McCartney off
as a rock icon. I know I’m about to
offend a couple of people who think criticizing a Beatle is akin to blasphemy,
but I really don’t think McCartney is all that.
The Beatles were great and revolutionary in their time, but their time
is over, and let’s be honest, the one that was the most qualified to break off
as a solo artist got killed in 1980. Why
do they keep trotting out Paul McCartney like women and girls are still going
to pass out at the sight of him?
Frankly, he looks a lot like a girl himself. And if he’s written anything new since the
60s, it’s not good enough to be played on the radio, and apparently Justin
Beiber IS good enough to be played on the radio, so….?
All
I’m saying is that The Wanted are British and they’re awesome. Why didn’t they end the music portion with “Glad
You Came”? Wouldn’t that have been
better than “Hey Jude”? Critiquing Sir
Paul McCartney is probably what’s gonna lead to my extradition, so I should
wrap us this blog and start Googling my new home country of Mauritania, so I
can pack my bags accordingly.
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