Madam Secretary

For the past three years, Brainy attended a really nice private Christian school.  The level of parent involvement there was off the charts, and I often found the mothers to be intimidating.  Kind, but intimidating.  Sometimes I’d be sitting in the carpool line at 7:45 in the morning and look over into the windows of the Cadillac Escalade next to me and be rather appalled at the smiling Stepford mommy inside of it.  A mommy who would have her hair done and make-up on and be wearing something like a freshly ironed pink sweater set and heirloom pearls. 

Meanwhile, it was all I could do to get Brainy to school before 8 o’clock, so I usually had on the t-shirt I’d slept in with whatever shorts I found on the floor of my room, be those mine or my husband’s, and at least half the time I didn’t even have shoes on.  And I could tell, by the look on her children’s faces, that she had squeezed fresh juice for them for breakfast and served it with warm muffins and scrambled egg whites.  “Brainy, don’t mention you had toaster waffles for the twenty-sixth day in a row.  It might make the other kids jealous.”

Not every mother there drove an Escalade, though the amount I saw on that campus would rival any Cadillac dealership in the nation, but it’s just that I was always in carpool line next to one with a smiling angel mom on board.  

And on orientation nights, there would be these sign-ups to help with things in the classroom, plan parties, or be a room mom.  Mommies would clamor up to scrawl their names on those lists, already discussing their great party ideas or fun activities and crafts they wanted to try with the class, sometimes I’d overhear things like, “I already bought the cutest little….”, and I thought to myself Seems like they got this under control; I should just go take a nap.  I didn’t have party ideas or classroom friendly recipes; I didn’t even have a pen on me to sign up for lunch duty.  I had to borrow one.

Between my lack of qualifications and the fact that there was a twelve month waiting list to even bring the teacher an apple, I didn’t get very involved at our old school.  My other excuse is that the twins were still home with me most of the time.

Well, we’re at public school now and a new day has dawned.  Not only am I not working outside of the home any more, but now all three kids are full-time students.  Don’t worry, Reckless is still a part-time daredevil.

On the second day of school, I got a call from the P.T.A. president.  She knew me because her son plays Upwards basketball at our church and she ran into me at the girls’ kindergarten orientation the previous week.  She called to ask if I’d be the P.T.A. secretary this year.  The elected one had just announced she needed to step down.  The president said that they’d have enough members present at the first meeting of the year, two days later, to formally elect me in on her recommendation.  The job was mine if I wanted it.  “Sure,” I said, wondering if I should mention that I had never been to a P.T.A. meeting in my life.  But, nah, might as well jump right in with a cabinet position.  My next thought was I’m gonna need some pearls.

You think it’s odd that I ended up in a magazine?  Well, it’s even a bigger shock that I’m P.T.A. secretary!  This time last year I was waiting tables and line dancing at Texas Roadhouse.  I couldn’t even remember school picture day.  Now I might have some say so as to when it is. 

In honor of my new membership into adulthood, I got my hair cut.  No more halfway down my back, auditioning for a music video hair; now I have neat layers that come to my shoulders.  And for my first P.T.A. meeting, I wore a ruffled sleeveless blouse and khaki pants that were NOT purchased in the junior’s section at Kohl’s.

And the best part, the unbelievable part, really, is that our new school starts at 9:15!  Now that’s a start time I can manage, with shoes and everything.  I’ve volunteered twice in Brainy’s class already and I’ll be helping in the girls’ rooms as well.  It’s like…..I’m responsible.  If you knew what I made them for breakfast before school yesterday, your head would really be spinning.  But making you dizzy wouldn’t be responsible.

Now, the question on a lot of people’s minds is this:  With all three kids in school, what will you do with your free time?  Easy.  I'm going to do what any other normal, responsible, suburban mother of three would do....train for the Olympics.